Just came across Ari's ultrasound photo. If I remember correctly, I was about 17 weeks. Bittersweet. On the one hand, that was a wonderful time. She is here with us, happy and healthy. That makes me smile. I am incredibly grateful for my beautiful, happy, low-stress family of three.
All that being said, I am also feeling incredibly nostalgic. Will I ever get to experience that again? No idea whatsoever. We tried for months and it didn't happen. We think about it. We would like her to have a sibling. But there is a lot of ambivalence. So much ambivalence. It drives me nuts at times!
I think about adjusting all over again, about family dynamics. I think and wonder about what kind of mother and wife I will be if/when I become the mother of a school age child and an infant. It's no secret that being sleep deprived does crazy things to us. I think about Daddy. He is the bread winner. He works almost 50 hours every week. He always makes time for Ari in the mornings and in the evenings. What would it look like if he was working, making time for her, and making time for a new baby? I want my husband to be a happy, balanced man. I want him to still get some time to "boy out"!
I think about how we have fallen in love with the Montessori philosophy. We really believe in it and we see results. Our child is thriving. We can afford it. What about two tuitions? No way to know, I know. There is no way to know where we will be in four or five years when the potential new baby is ready for preschool.
My guess is that I'm feeling particularly aware of our financial situation because we're in the process of spending thousands of dollars in necessary home improvement projects. We own a duplex. Good news: having a tenant helps with the mortgage a great deal. Bad news: twice as much crap to fix! When you have to come up with close to $5,000 out of the blue, well, you feel a little stressed out!
Sometimes I wish we could just say let's do it, let's get pregnant, and things will come together. It will all work out somehow. But neither of us works that way.
Rant over. Thanks for hearing me out if you made it this far. If we ever make a final decision I will share. In the meantime, I continue to daydream about three potential scenarios: remaining a family of three, getting pregnant or adopting. Yes, I still think about adopting, but, let's face it. The only way we could adopt would be to adopt via DCF and that means a serious roller coaster ride for my entire family.
If you feel like sharing about family dynamics, either what you witness as a parent or your experiences as a sibling, I would be happy to hear about it. Email me if that would be your preference. Johannafsilva at gmail