Another wonderful article from ahaparenting.com:
"How do you help parents who struggle to be the leaders their children need them to be? And how do you help their children, who are less considerate/self-regulating and continually test the limits because of it?"
How can we be the leader our child needs, and deserves?
1. Remember that kids do need parents to "lead." They're new on the planet, and little, and we owe them the security of acting as the leaders in our family. Otherwise, kids keep pushing to make sure someone is "in charge" and will keep them safe.
2. Remember that leadership is about role modeling, guiding and protecting, not about dictating or punishing. (See What's Wrong with Strict Parenting?)
3. Remember that leadership includes setting empathic limits, which are essential to our child's emotional well-being. Most parents who have a hard time being leaders with their children don't understand that limits are actually good for our children -- but only if they're set with empathy. This process has nothing to do with punishment, or even discipline, as we think of it. (See What's Wrong with Permissive Parenting?)
4. Remember that children only accept our leadership because of the relationship we have with them. If they resist or defy us, it's a sign that we need to focus on connecting with them.
5. Take the time to process our own emotions about how we have experienced parents being "in charge." For instance, a parent whose own parents were authoritarian may feel strongly that she doesn't want to repeat that experience for her own children. Terrific! But this parent may get confused and think therefore she can't set limits at all. That doesn't help her children And most likely, she will end up yelling when things finally get out of hand. Kids without limits always push us to our limits.
If, instead, this parent can let herself feel all those childhood feelings of how alone she felt, how hurt, how sad .... they will no longer control her. They won't make her cringe when her child has big feelings. They won't burst out unexpectedly, in yelling. They won't keep her from empathizing with her child's point of view.
That frees her to see the value of clear limits to her children when necessary. She will calmly, empathically guide her child ("You are so mad...but I will not let you hurt me...I will keep everyone safe...") role modeling emotional regulation, without guilt and without feeling a need to punish. That's leadership.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Article: The 5 Habits You Need To Stay Connected To Your Child
I recently subscribed to this newsletter. It has quickly become one of my favorite parenting emails! I can't say it enough; it is wonderful. Check out ahaparenting.com. Find her on Facebook.
I find her emails grounding. They are a constant reminder of what really matters when it comes to raising a child. It is so easy to worry about the tens of to-do's I have on any given day, to worry about whether or not Ari's clothes match, did her hair get done, etc., etc. I am learning a lot. I am learning about balance. I am constantly reminded that the sense of connection amongst our family is my #1 priority, that, if the sense of connection is not there, I have nothing. If there is no sense of connection, it feels like everything around me starts to fall apart.
I am finding myself having more conversations with my child, giving her even more hugs, and spending even more time being on my knees so I can talk to her face to face about the things that trouble her, trivial or not. She is becoming more and more interested in snuggling, saying sweet things and letting us know she loves us in different ways. I am so loving it!
Here is the latest article from ahaparenting.com.
***
"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." -- Virginia Satir
We all want that closeness with our children that makes our hearts melt. But so much of what we consider normal parenting pushes our children away, and makes them more difficult.
It begins when we follow the well-meaning advice to turn away from our crying baby. This erodes our empathy for our child, because instead of following our instincts – which, naturally, tell us to respond to the needs of our little one – we harden our hearts. After that, it's much tougher to feel empathy for this struggling little person, to see things from his perspective. Our child reacts with neediness and defiance. We're exhausted with the demands of daily life, increasingly exasperated by our child's lack of cooperation. We nag, yell and punish, which just makes our child’s behavior worse. This escalates in the teenage years, when parents and children scream and fight; when children start looking for love in all the wrong places.
Like every parent in the world, we're just trying to raise good kids, and we can't even figure out where we went wrong. Over and over, I hear from parents that they wish they had understood how important it is to connect, not just correct.
Of course, parents are only human. There are days when all we can do is meet our children's most basic needs: Feed them, bathe them, keep an encouraging tone, hug them, and get them to sleep at a reasonable hour so we can do it all over again tomorrow. Given that parenting is the toughest job on earth -- and most of us do it in our spare time, after we work at another job all day -- the only way to keep a strong bond with our children is to build in daily habits of connection. What kinds of habits?
1. 12 hugs a day - Including a reconnecting hug after every separation.
2. Turn off technology when you interact with your child. - Really. Your child will remember for the rest of her life that she was important enough to her parents that they turned off their cell phones to listen to her.
3. Special time - Every day, 15 minutes with each child, separately. Alternate doing what your child wants and doing what you want, and on your days resist the urge to structure the time with activities. Instead, play therapeutic "games" to help your child with whatever issues are worrying him. (For ideas about such games, click here.)
4. Welcome emotion - Sure, it's inconvenient. But your child needs to express his emotions or they'll drive his behavior. So welcome the meltdowns, don't let the anger trigger you, and soothe the tears and fears that always hide behind the anger. Remember that you're the one he trusts enough to cry with, and breathe your way through it. Afterwards, he'll feel so much closer to you, and you'll see the difference in how he cooperates.
5. Empathy - The habit of seeing things from your child's perspective will ensure that you treat her with respect and look for win/win solutions. It will help you see the reasons for behavior that would otherwise drive you crazy. It will help you regulate your own emotions so when your buttons get pushed and you find yourself in "fight or flight," your child doesn't look so much like the enemy.
Maybe most important of all, the habit of empathy is what brings you those moments with your child that make your heart melt. We all need more of those.
May you be blessed with miracles today, large and small.
Blessings,
Dr. Laura
I find her emails grounding. They are a constant reminder of what really matters when it comes to raising a child. It is so easy to worry about the tens of to-do's I have on any given day, to worry about whether or not Ari's clothes match, did her hair get done, etc., etc. I am learning a lot. I am learning about balance. I am constantly reminded that the sense of connection amongst our family is my #1 priority, that, if the sense of connection is not there, I have nothing. If there is no sense of connection, it feels like everything around me starts to fall apart.
I am finding myself having more conversations with my child, giving her even more hugs, and spending even more time being on my knees so I can talk to her face to face about the things that trouble her, trivial or not. She is becoming more and more interested in snuggling, saying sweet things and letting us know she loves us in different ways. I am so loving it!
Here is the latest article from ahaparenting.com.
***
"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." -- Virginia Satir
We all want that closeness with our children that makes our hearts melt. But so much of what we consider normal parenting pushes our children away, and makes them more difficult.
It begins when we follow the well-meaning advice to turn away from our crying baby. This erodes our empathy for our child, because instead of following our instincts – which, naturally, tell us to respond to the needs of our little one – we harden our hearts. After that, it's much tougher to feel empathy for this struggling little person, to see things from his perspective. Our child reacts with neediness and defiance. We're exhausted with the demands of daily life, increasingly exasperated by our child's lack of cooperation. We nag, yell and punish, which just makes our child’s behavior worse. This escalates in the teenage years, when parents and children scream and fight; when children start looking for love in all the wrong places.
Like every parent in the world, we're just trying to raise good kids, and we can't even figure out where we went wrong. Over and over, I hear from parents that they wish they had understood how important it is to connect, not just correct.
Of course, parents are only human. There are days when all we can do is meet our children's most basic needs: Feed them, bathe them, keep an encouraging tone, hug them, and get them to sleep at a reasonable hour so we can do it all over again tomorrow. Given that parenting is the toughest job on earth -- and most of us do it in our spare time, after we work at another job all day -- the only way to keep a strong bond with our children is to build in daily habits of connection. What kinds of habits?
1. 12 hugs a day - Including a reconnecting hug after every separation.
2. Turn off technology when you interact with your child. - Really. Your child will remember for the rest of her life that she was important enough to her parents that they turned off their cell phones to listen to her.
3. Special time - Every day, 15 minutes with each child, separately. Alternate doing what your child wants and doing what you want, and on your days resist the urge to structure the time with activities. Instead, play therapeutic "games" to help your child with whatever issues are worrying him. (For ideas about such games, click here.)
4. Welcome emotion - Sure, it's inconvenient. But your child needs to express his emotions or they'll drive his behavior. So welcome the meltdowns, don't let the anger trigger you, and soothe the tears and fears that always hide behind the anger. Remember that you're the one he trusts enough to cry with, and breathe your way through it. Afterwards, he'll feel so much closer to you, and you'll see the difference in how he cooperates.
5. Empathy - The habit of seeing things from your child's perspective will ensure that you treat her with respect and look for win/win solutions. It will help you see the reasons for behavior that would otherwise drive you crazy. It will help you regulate your own emotions so when your buttons get pushed and you find yourself in "fight or flight," your child doesn't look so much like the enemy.
Maybe most important of all, the habit of empathy is what brings you those moments with your child that make your heart melt. We all need more of those.
May you be blessed with miracles today, large and small.
Blessings,
Dr. Laura
Friday, April 8, 2011
On Traveling for Business, Attachment, and Separation
Warning: this is a long one!
Geeky Entrepreneur travelled for work this week. He was gone for three nights. He had not done much traveling since Amor Chiquito was born, but it looks like he will be traveling about once a quarter from now on.
This week was hard and exhausting for all of us. At the same time, it reminded me about attachment and taught me about the needs of little ones. Let’s just say that our daughter was very sad, confused and angry when her dad was gone. She did things she had never done before, including acting out in school. I felt as though a grumpy and unhappy alien took over my sweet and happy child. She did a lot of crying. I was ready to cry several times. You get my drift.
We got through it. Daddy tried to talk to her two or three times a day. I gave her lots of hugs and love. I tried talking to her about feelings. We co slept and cuddled a lot. That being said, I was still left with the feeling that, no matter what I did, my happy and sweet baby was temporarily gone. This made me wonder. What could I do differently? What did I not do? What could her dad do differently?
I spent some time online. I knew separation is not ideal. I know how it affects little ones and why. It has to do with attachment. You and your little one have a bond. She trusts you. She knows that you will be there when she needs you. You are her world. You mean complete and absolute safety to her. Suddenly, with little or no warning, you are gone. She wonders why. She wonders if or when you will return. If she is old enough, she may worry about where you will sleep, what you will eat, etc.
Up until age five or six, little ones are unable to verbalize their sadness and confusion. They communicate these feelings in different ways: crying, showing anger, sometimes even hitting the traveling parent when s/he comes home. Your little one might withdraw from you for a while after you come home. She may continue to worry about if/when you are leaving for days. For example, Ari is still asking me, multiple times a day, if daddy is home and if he will be home when she comes home from school. The first words out of her mouth this morning: is my daddy home? Where is he? I don’t see him.
I did some research and found some links that I thought may be helpful to you next time you are traveling.
Effects of Separation and Loss on Children's Development:
http://www.peterhaiman.com/articles/effectsOfSeparationOnYoungChildren.shtml
This article focuses on prolonged absence, but it explains what attachment is and the importance of attachment very clearly, I thought.
** I pasted a portion of the article below in here because it is a PDF. I could not find or did not know how to find a link to it. **
***
Business Travel: Preparing Kids for Your Absence and Keeping in Touch
During a preschool circle time, children discussed their parents’ occupations.
Four-year-old Joe shared that his Dad worked at the airport. His teacher asked if he was a pilot who flew planes or a mechanic who worked on them. The boy was stumped, “Um, I don’t know. That’s just where we take Daddy to work.”
by Karen Stephens
Sometimes kids wonder about the simplest things — like how you will get food to eat when you’re not home.
Following up with Joe’s parents, the teacher discovered that Dad didn’t work at the airport at all. But it quickly became obvious why Joe thought his father did. The most tangible thing Joe knew about his father’s work was where he and his mother took Dad almost every morning — you guessed it — to the airport.
From Joe’s perspective, the airport was Dad’s workplace. Preschooler Joe hadn’t yet figured out that the airport was just Dad’s work commute.
Especially for parents, the glamour of work-related travel wears off quickly.
Frequent business travel wears on nerves and tugs at the heart. It can rob parents of irreplaceable child-rearing moments and create painful physical distance. And it’s not just tough on moms and dads. Young children often don’t clearly understand where parents are during work travel, or why parents don’t take the whole family along. If children are left unprepared for a parent’s absence, it can be a time of scary uncertainty.
If you’re a parent whose work schedule includes a lot of travel, the tips below will help you prepare children for your absence and help you stay in touch until your safe return.
Remember, not all surprises are good. Forewarn kids before you travel. If you leave unannounced, you’re likely to undermine trust. If you must leave very early in the morning, say your good-byes the night before. But avoid saying good-bye right at bedtime when children feel most alone anyway.
Let children know why you have to travel for work. According to their ability to understand, briefly explain what you’ll be doing. Sometimes kids wonder about the simplest things — like how you will get food to eat when you’re not home. If those details worry your child, reassure them there are restaurants
and grocery stores where you travel.
Explain how long you’ll be gone. Younger children won’t understand calendar dates, so talk about how many nights sleep or how many days of child care it will be before you return home. School-aged children can mark off days on a calendar. (However, also prepare them for flight delays that upset the best of plans.)
With today’s easy exposure to news reports, children might worry about your travel mode. This is especially true if you’re flying or taking a train after a reported accident. Reassure children that pilots or engineers will do their very best to get you where you’re going safely.
www.ParentingExchange.com
Whenever possible, leave a photo or brochure of where you’ll be — even if it’s your hotel or company building. You can even leave web sites of your travel location that children can view. All that will help your child understand that you didn’t just “disappear” somewhere.
Use technology to stay in touch. Call home when you reach your destination and leave your contact number on the voice mail. Consider faxing and e-mailing messages or digital photos.
Call home at agreed upon times or you’re likely to miss each other; especially when in different time zones and/or countries.
Don’t forget promised call times. Most kids — especially preschoolers — don’t talk a lot during phone calls, but they still like to hear your voice. If you get delayed, remember to give kids a sincere apology once you do talk with them. Young children often don’t clearly understand where parents are during work travel, or why parents don’t take the whole family along.
Help children maintain a sense of your presence in the home by leaving them with one of your favorite items. It can be something as simple as a sweater, sports cap, book, or photographs.
Leave love notes under pillows, in backpacks, or under meal cups to remind your child you think of them even when you’re gone.
Draw up IOUs for activities you’ll do together once you return, such as go to the park or children’s museum.
Continue participating in daily routines even when you’re gone. Leave a video of you reading a bedtime story. Make a tape recording of you and your child singing favorite songs and leave it with a tape recorder for listening.
If you miss a special event, holiday, or birthday, don’t waste time feeling guilty. Limit those occasions as much as you can, but a missed event isn’t the end of the world. Instead, spend your energy planning together how you’ll re-celebrate when you return. Or plan how to celebrate together long distance, such as singing “Happy Birthday” over the phone.
If you are gone a long time, periodically mail home little treasures for the kids. Items easy to mail include coloring books, paperback books, stickers,
puzzles, bookmarks, stuffed animals or puppets, or a few foreign coins. Those are just a few ideas to help ease parent-child separation during travel. There are many more useful ideas in the
book The Business Traveling Parent by Dan Verdick (Beltsville, MD: Robins Lane Press, 2000). Verdick shares lots of ways to creatively stay in touch with children until the joy of your next reunion.
Bonvoyage!
About the Author — Karen Stephens is director of Illinois State University Child Care Center and instructor in child development for the ISU Family and Consumer Sciences Department. For nine years she wrote a weekly parenting column in her local newspaper. Karen has authored early care and education books and is a frequent contributor to Exchange.
© Karen Stephens 2007
www.ParentingExchange.com
A few more ideas:
One idea that we meant to try, did not do, but will most definitely do next time is using webcams. Ari is very visual. She wanted to see her dad and she wanted to show him what she was working on, even what she was eating!
One of my friends suggested that we tell Ari that Daddy will be traveling days before he actually travels. She suggested that we get Ari involved in the packing process.
I feel/hope that talking to Amor Chiquito about what to expect when Daddy is gone might be helpful. I am thinking about how often she can talk to him or see him on the webcam.
Do you have any other suggestions?
As for our family, all of us are glad that life is back to normal. Daddy is glad to be home. Ari is thrilled that her dad is back. I feel that both of them are back! I am hopeful that in a few days Amor Chiquito will stop worrying about her dad not being there when she wakes up in the morning.
Geeky Entrepreneur travelled for work this week. He was gone for three nights. He had not done much traveling since Amor Chiquito was born, but it looks like he will be traveling about once a quarter from now on.
This week was hard and exhausting for all of us. At the same time, it reminded me about attachment and taught me about the needs of little ones. Let’s just say that our daughter was very sad, confused and angry when her dad was gone. She did things she had never done before, including acting out in school. I felt as though a grumpy and unhappy alien took over my sweet and happy child. She did a lot of crying. I was ready to cry several times. You get my drift.
We got through it. Daddy tried to talk to her two or three times a day. I gave her lots of hugs and love. I tried talking to her about feelings. We co slept and cuddled a lot. That being said, I was still left with the feeling that, no matter what I did, my happy and sweet baby was temporarily gone. This made me wonder. What could I do differently? What did I not do? What could her dad do differently?
I spent some time online. I knew separation is not ideal. I know how it affects little ones and why. It has to do with attachment. You and your little one have a bond. She trusts you. She knows that you will be there when she needs you. You are her world. You mean complete and absolute safety to her. Suddenly, with little or no warning, you are gone. She wonders why. She wonders if or when you will return. If she is old enough, she may worry about where you will sleep, what you will eat, etc.
Up until age five or six, little ones are unable to verbalize their sadness and confusion. They communicate these feelings in different ways: crying, showing anger, sometimes even hitting the traveling parent when s/he comes home. Your little one might withdraw from you for a while after you come home. She may continue to worry about if/when you are leaving for days. For example, Ari is still asking me, multiple times a day, if daddy is home and if he will be home when she comes home from school. The first words out of her mouth this morning: is my daddy home? Where is he? I don’t see him.
I did some research and found some links that I thought may be helpful to you next time you are traveling.
Effects of Separation and Loss on Children's Development:
http://www.peterhaiman.com/articles/effectsOfSeparationOnYoungChildren.shtml
This article focuses on prolonged absence, but it explains what attachment is and the importance of attachment very clearly, I thought.
** I pasted a portion of the article below in here because it is a PDF. I could not find or did not know how to find a link to it. **
***
Business Travel: Preparing Kids for Your Absence and Keeping in Touch
During a preschool circle time, children discussed their parents’ occupations.
Four-year-old Joe shared that his Dad worked at the airport. His teacher asked if he was a pilot who flew planes or a mechanic who worked on them. The boy was stumped, “Um, I don’t know. That’s just where we take Daddy to work.”
by Karen Stephens
Sometimes kids wonder about the simplest things — like how you will get food to eat when you’re not home.
Following up with Joe’s parents, the teacher discovered that Dad didn’t work at the airport at all. But it quickly became obvious why Joe thought his father did. The most tangible thing Joe knew about his father’s work was where he and his mother took Dad almost every morning — you guessed it — to the airport.
From Joe’s perspective, the airport was Dad’s workplace. Preschooler Joe hadn’t yet figured out that the airport was just Dad’s work commute.
Especially for parents, the glamour of work-related travel wears off quickly.
Frequent business travel wears on nerves and tugs at the heart. It can rob parents of irreplaceable child-rearing moments and create painful physical distance. And it’s not just tough on moms and dads. Young children often don’t clearly understand where parents are during work travel, or why parents don’t take the whole family along. If children are left unprepared for a parent’s absence, it can be a time of scary uncertainty.
If you’re a parent whose work schedule includes a lot of travel, the tips below will help you prepare children for your absence and help you stay in touch until your safe return.
Remember, not all surprises are good. Forewarn kids before you travel. If you leave unannounced, you’re likely to undermine trust. If you must leave very early in the morning, say your good-byes the night before. But avoid saying good-bye right at bedtime when children feel most alone anyway.
Let children know why you have to travel for work. According to their ability to understand, briefly explain what you’ll be doing. Sometimes kids wonder about the simplest things — like how you will get food to eat when you’re not home. If those details worry your child, reassure them there are restaurants
and grocery stores where you travel.
Explain how long you’ll be gone. Younger children won’t understand calendar dates, so talk about how many nights sleep or how many days of child care it will be before you return home. School-aged children can mark off days on a calendar. (However, also prepare them for flight delays that upset the best of plans.)
With today’s easy exposure to news reports, children might worry about your travel mode. This is especially true if you’re flying or taking a train after a reported accident. Reassure children that pilots or engineers will do their very best to get you where you’re going safely.
www.ParentingExchange.com
Whenever possible, leave a photo or brochure of where you’ll be — even if it’s your hotel or company building. You can even leave web sites of your travel location that children can view. All that will help your child understand that you didn’t just “disappear” somewhere.
Use technology to stay in touch. Call home when you reach your destination and leave your contact number on the voice mail. Consider faxing and e-mailing messages or digital photos.
Call home at agreed upon times or you’re likely to miss each other; especially when in different time zones and/or countries.
Don’t forget promised call times. Most kids — especially preschoolers — don’t talk a lot during phone calls, but they still like to hear your voice. If you get delayed, remember to give kids a sincere apology once you do talk with them. Young children often don’t clearly understand where parents are during work travel, or why parents don’t take the whole family along.
Help children maintain a sense of your presence in the home by leaving them with one of your favorite items. It can be something as simple as a sweater, sports cap, book, or photographs.
Leave love notes under pillows, in backpacks, or under meal cups to remind your child you think of them even when you’re gone.
Draw up IOUs for activities you’ll do together once you return, such as go to the park or children’s museum.
Continue participating in daily routines even when you’re gone. Leave a video of you reading a bedtime story. Make a tape recording of you and your child singing favorite songs and leave it with a tape recorder for listening.
If you miss a special event, holiday, or birthday, don’t waste time feeling guilty. Limit those occasions as much as you can, but a missed event isn’t the end of the world. Instead, spend your energy planning together how you’ll re-celebrate when you return. Or plan how to celebrate together long distance, such as singing “Happy Birthday” over the phone.
If you are gone a long time, periodically mail home little treasures for the kids. Items easy to mail include coloring books, paperback books, stickers,
puzzles, bookmarks, stuffed animals or puppets, or a few foreign coins. Those are just a few ideas to help ease parent-child separation during travel. There are many more useful ideas in the
book The Business Traveling Parent by Dan Verdick (Beltsville, MD: Robins Lane Press, 2000). Verdick shares lots of ways to creatively stay in touch with children until the joy of your next reunion.
Bonvoyage!
About the Author — Karen Stephens is director of Illinois State University Child Care Center and instructor in child development for the ISU Family and Consumer Sciences Department. For nine years she wrote a weekly parenting column in her local newspaper. Karen has authored early care and education books and is a frequent contributor to Exchange.
© Karen Stephens 2007
www.ParentingExchange.com
A few more ideas:
One idea that we meant to try, did not do, but will most definitely do next time is using webcams. Ari is very visual. She wanted to see her dad and she wanted to show him what she was working on, even what she was eating!
One of my friends suggested that we tell Ari that Daddy will be traveling days before he actually travels. She suggested that we get Ari involved in the packing process.
I feel/hope that talking to Amor Chiquito about what to expect when Daddy is gone might be helpful. I am thinking about how often she can talk to him or see him on the webcam.
Do you have any other suggestions?
As for our family, all of us are glad that life is back to normal. Daddy is glad to be home. Ari is thrilled that her dad is back. I feel that both of them are back! I am hopeful that in a few days Amor Chiquito will stop worrying about her dad not being there when she wakes up in the morning.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
On screwing up and apologizing to my child
Sunday afternoon Amor Chiquito began telling us that her ears were hurting. By Sunday evening she was in a lot of pain. Monday morning we found out that she was experiencing her first ear infection, a “double ear infection,” in fact.
All I have to say is yay for Ibuprofen and antibiotics!
We tried some home remedies, like warm compresses and drops of olive oil in her ears, but neither of those worked for Amor Chiquito.
The ear infection had us up four times (I think) the first night, before we got the antibiotic. The second and third nights, Amor Chiquito was only getting up once or twice, but, each and every time we gave her ibuprofen she could not sleep for a good two hours. She tried and tried, but it just wasn’t happening. She kept telling me that she wanted to “watch one Dora and then sleep.” Perhaps she was onto something. Maybe I should have listened, in retrospect.
Amor Chiquito and I got bad colds and we are just getting over the cold, after at least ten days.
So, to say that this mama has been tired is an understatement.
Last night was night three of the madness, the multiple night wakings, sometimes for hours. Let’s just say that mommy was tired, extremely tired, and, in my case, an extremely tired mommy at 4:30 am can easily lead to a snappy mommy. I told Amor Chiquito that I was feeling angry, that I was very, very tired, and that I was going to sleep. I angrily rolled over.
So, what do you think my child did? She hugged me and gave me kisses.
Her actions helped me snap out of it and helped me realize that she was not intentionally being difficult and that I needed help. I needed Daddy to take a turn. I had been at it for two hours. I had gotten about three hours of sleep.
This morning, after I had gotten enough sleep, it all came back to me. I felt like such a snappy B!
My thoughts after the fact:
If someone can help you/take a turn, reach out and let him/her take a turn with the little one. It is ok. We are human beings. We get tired. You are not less of a parent for reaching out for help.
If you are home with a sick child, nap when the child naps.
We make mistakes. Forgive and be gentle with yourself.
Children are very forgiving.
Do right by your child. Apologize. It is the right thing to do. It will ensure that the special bond you and your child have is left intact. Also, you are modeling something positive, something you want your child to be able to do when she screws up.
I decided I was going to do just that, apologize to my baby. So, when she came home from preschool (her first day back), I got down on my knees, so I could be at eye level with her, and we had a little talk.
Me: I want to talk to you about something. You know how we were awake for a long time in the middle of the night and we could not sleep?
Ari: Yes.
Me: I got very cranky. I am sorry. I was not nice.
Ari: Why you were like that, mommy?
Me: I was very tired. I needed some sleep.
Ari: O.
Me: I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry I was cranky. I will try not to do that. I love you. I want to give you a hug.
We hugged and it was over. Later on, she told her Daddy that I said I was sorry I was cranky and she asked him why I was cranky. He explained that when people are very, very tired, sometimes they get cranky.
Long post..Oops!
Moral of the story: when you screw up, apologize to your kid, forgive yourself and move on.
All I have to say is yay for Ibuprofen and antibiotics!
We tried some home remedies, like warm compresses and drops of olive oil in her ears, but neither of those worked for Amor Chiquito.
The ear infection had us up four times (I think) the first night, before we got the antibiotic. The second and third nights, Amor Chiquito was only getting up once or twice, but, each and every time we gave her ibuprofen she could not sleep for a good two hours. She tried and tried, but it just wasn’t happening. She kept telling me that she wanted to “watch one Dora and then sleep.” Perhaps she was onto something. Maybe I should have listened, in retrospect.
Amor Chiquito and I got bad colds and we are just getting over the cold, after at least ten days.
So, to say that this mama has been tired is an understatement.
Last night was night three of the madness, the multiple night wakings, sometimes for hours. Let’s just say that mommy was tired, extremely tired, and, in my case, an extremely tired mommy at 4:30 am can easily lead to a snappy mommy. I told Amor Chiquito that I was feeling angry, that I was very, very tired, and that I was going to sleep. I angrily rolled over.
So, what do you think my child did? She hugged me and gave me kisses.
Her actions helped me snap out of it and helped me realize that she was not intentionally being difficult and that I needed help. I needed Daddy to take a turn. I had been at it for two hours. I had gotten about three hours of sleep.
This morning, after I had gotten enough sleep, it all came back to me. I felt like such a snappy B!
My thoughts after the fact:
If someone can help you/take a turn, reach out and let him/her take a turn with the little one. It is ok. We are human beings. We get tired. You are not less of a parent for reaching out for help.
If you are home with a sick child, nap when the child naps.
We make mistakes. Forgive and be gentle with yourself.
Children are very forgiving.
Do right by your child. Apologize. It is the right thing to do. It will ensure that the special bond you and your child have is left intact. Also, you are modeling something positive, something you want your child to be able to do when she screws up.
I decided I was going to do just that, apologize to my baby. So, when she came home from preschool (her first day back), I got down on my knees, so I could be at eye level with her, and we had a little talk.
Me: I want to talk to you about something. You know how we were awake for a long time in the middle of the night and we could not sleep?
Ari: Yes.
Me: I got very cranky. I am sorry. I was not nice.
Ari: Why you were like that, mommy?
Me: I was very tired. I needed some sleep.
Ari: O.
Me: I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry I was cranky. I will try not to do that. I love you. I want to give you a hug.
We hugged and it was over. Later on, she told her Daddy that I said I was sorry I was cranky and she asked him why I was cranky. He explained that when people are very, very tired, sometimes they get cranky.
Long post..Oops!
Moral of the story: when you screw up, apologize to your kid, forgive yourself and move on.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Getting more and more clever and impish every day...
A little while ago, Amor Chiquito grabbed my hand and walked me into the guest room at my mother's apartment. She said "stay here, mommy, please."
I knew what that meant! You know what that meant!
M I S C H I E F
I decided to wait it out and find out what her plan was.
She sat in the living room for a minute, covering her face. Never knew why she was covering her face. Maybe she was smiling and did not want me to notice? She then went into the kitchen and asked her grandma for an ice cream cone!
I guess I do an awesome job being the bad cop!
Another little story... Yesterday, Amor Chiquito and I were having lunch together at home. She ate all her pasta.
Ari: All done. I full.
Mommy: Can you please put your bowl in the sink? (Bad choice of words.)
Ari: No, your turn. You do. Yourself.
I wish I could say I handled it beautifully. Truth is I was shocked and did not react. Part of me wanted to laugh my butt off! Part of me was wondering "who exactly took over my child's mind?" Part of me was thinking "wow, she is learning new phrases and figuring out what they mean and how we respond to them. Fascinating."
Yet another story... About half an hour after the lunch episode, we were doing puzzles. The pieces of the puzzles are different geometric shapes. She knows some of them, but not others. I was telling her what each shape was as she put it on the puzzle.
Mommy: That is a triangle.
Ari: Triangle! I know triangle! (insert a bit of an attitude here, as if no crap, duh, it's a triangle!).
Again, I was shocked.
For the rest of the day, Amor Chiquito was her usual sweet and helpful self. She loves to help with chores. That is why I was surprised when she said it was my turn to put her bowl in the sink. Her choice of words made for a very entertaining few hours, that’s for sure!
Just when you have something figured out, there is something else to learn/figure out! How many times will we reread Love and Logic before we put it down forever? When will we put it down forever? I know, when she turns six and we buy the book for elementary school age kids!
How do you respond to such situations? What works? What does not? I am in the process of figuring this out!
What are your favorite parenting books?
I knew what that meant! You know what that meant!
M I S C H I E F
I decided to wait it out and find out what her plan was.
She sat in the living room for a minute, covering her face. Never knew why she was covering her face. Maybe she was smiling and did not want me to notice? She then went into the kitchen and asked her grandma for an ice cream cone!
I guess I do an awesome job being the bad cop!
Another little story... Yesterday, Amor Chiquito and I were having lunch together at home. She ate all her pasta.
Ari: All done. I full.
Mommy: Can you please put your bowl in the sink? (Bad choice of words.)
Ari: No, your turn. You do. Yourself.
I wish I could say I handled it beautifully. Truth is I was shocked and did not react. Part of me wanted to laugh my butt off! Part of me was wondering "who exactly took over my child's mind?" Part of me was thinking "wow, she is learning new phrases and figuring out what they mean and how we respond to them. Fascinating."
Yet another story... About half an hour after the lunch episode, we were doing puzzles. The pieces of the puzzles are different geometric shapes. She knows some of them, but not others. I was telling her what each shape was as she put it on the puzzle.
Mommy: That is a triangle.
Ari: Triangle! I know triangle! (insert a bit of an attitude here, as if no crap, duh, it's a triangle!).
Again, I was shocked.
For the rest of the day, Amor Chiquito was her usual sweet and helpful self. She loves to help with chores. That is why I was surprised when she said it was my turn to put her bowl in the sink. Her choice of words made for a very entertaining few hours, that’s for sure!
Just when you have something figured out, there is something else to learn/figure out! How many times will we reread Love and Logic before we put it down forever? When will we put it down forever? I know, when she turns six and we buy the book for elementary school age kids!
How do you respond to such situations? What works? What does not? I am in the process of figuring this out!
What are your favorite parenting books?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Reassurance is always comforting...
I love blogs! In fact, here is a confession: I am obsessed with following blogs! I am following over 40 of them right now! Why? Because I am learning so much. There are so many cool people blogging about things I find fascinating out there. How do I manage to pull that off? I jump on the computer as soon as Arianna goes to bed!
I just read this blog post:
http://parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/07/27/mushy-tributes-and-the-real-truth-about-parenting/
Seeing as how I have been feeling like I am a wimpy mom the last few days, reading that post was very comforting.
I just read this blog post:
http://parentingbytrialanderror.com/2009/07/27/mushy-tributes-and-the-real-truth-about-parenting/
Seeing as how I have been feeling like I am a wimpy mom the last few days, reading that post was very comforting.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Confessions of a tired mommy...
Today has been a crappy day, to say the least. Actually, it started weeks ago, but today was the worst.
Amor Chiquito used to go to bed around 8:30 and would sleep until 7-7:30. She was napping at noon or so for about 1.5 hours. Lately, Amor Chiquito has been going to sleep at 9:30 and gets up around 6:30 or so. She was waking up twice and lately we have had nights when she has woken up five times. What is worse is the nights, like last night, when it takes hours to get her to go back to sleep. Lastly, Amor Chiquito has been eating poorly, for the most part, the last few days.
Yesterday, Amor Chiquito did not go down for a nap until 3:40. She napped until 6:10, so I knew she would not be going to bed early. Sure enough, Amor Chiquito was up until 10:30.
At 2:00 is when things got interesting. She woke up. I nursed her and put her back in the crib. Less than an hour later, she was awake again. Both Geeky Entrepreneur and I took turns trying to help her go back to sleep. Eventually, I decided I would try co-sleeping. Sadly, it really does not work for us, but last night I was desperate and was willing to try almost anything.
Co-sleeping was not working. We had been awake for hours. She kept wanting to nibble or wanting to hold a nipple. Picture your nipple getting squeezed for a long time. It is not pleasant. If I knew that after 10 minutes of it, we could all go to sleep, it would make it worthwhile, but that was not the case.
So, anyways, I tried the crib again. No success. Lots of that heart-breaking cry, lots of mommy, mommy. When I picked her up, she ran to our bedroom and climbed into our bed. I decided to try co-sleeping again because, what the hell, nothing was working. This was the option where she would be the least miserable. Hours later we were asleep.
Long story short: I got 4.5 hours of sleep. Geeky Entrepreneur probably got 5 or so. Ari got 6.5 hours of sleep. She needs at least 10 hours.
Fast-forward to naptime… Same thing… Amor Chiquito was very tired, but she would not go down in her crib. She wanted to co-sleep, but I just couldn’t do it. My nipples were quite sore after last night. Eventually, I nursed her to sleep on her bedroom floor. Yes, her bedroom floor; that was the best I could do. I am not proud of it, but, she finally napped. I got somewhere.
Of course, I am asking myself the usual questions: what the hell is going on? Is she not feeling well? What is it? What can I do to help her feel better? God knows I’d do anything! Is it the molars? Something else?
I know that this is nothing, really, that many kids and their parents out there have it a lot harder. But, right now, today, after 4.5 hours of sleep and a long, hard day, I am feeling so frustrated, so tired, so useless, so helpless, so anxious… There have been multiple times today when I have wanted to hide somewhere and cry. I know something is up with my kid and I can’t figure it out. I am her mother. It is my job to protect her and to take care of her. And, yet, I can’t even freakin’ get her to sleep! I feel like I am failing somehow.
I am a very private person. I don’t go around telling people about my issues. For example, I really struggle with anxiety and only a handful of people know about it (I think four and one of them is my husband). So why am I writing about this on a public blog? I want other parents to know that they are not alone, that all of us parents often have hard days and that it is ok to get frustrated, to want to cry, to reach out for help. This happens. It happens often, even if we do not talk about it.
In addition to what I wrote above, I wish someone had told me what parenting really is like before I got pregnant. Please do not misinterpret my words; I love my daughter to pieces and I would not change having her in my life at all. What I mean is that people always tell you “Wait… It is hard… Blab la bla…” But they don’t really tell you anything. No one tells you that there are times when you feel helpless because you can’t make your baby feel better. No one tells you that when your baby is a newborn, you need to nurse every 2-3 hours, at least, and that you will be sore as hell for weeks. No one tells you that even at 22 months you will be having rough, sleepless nights.
So, moral of the story: for me, being a mother is wonderful, intense, rewarding, hard, life-changing, overwhelming, humbling, among many other things. If you are thinking you would like to become a parent or are thinking of adding to your family, educate yourself. Don’t just talk to your mother and mother-in-law! Go on parenting message boards, for example.
Yikes, I realize this post is all over the place and for that I apologize. Normally, I would go back and edit, but I am too tired for that today! I need to take a shower and go to bed. Who knows what is in store for tonight. Fortunately, so far so good. She went to sleep at 8:45.
Oh, one more thing, whatever you do, if you want to have kids, make sure a 21-century dad fathers them! I don’t know how our mothers did it! I will admit that if I didn’t have a wonderful man at my side like I do, there would be no doubt: I’d go get my tubes tied! Geeky Entrepreneur is great, though, so I might want to try for #2 someday, despite the fact I’m still not sleeping well!
Done rambling for now. Thanks for hearing, well, reading me out!
Amor Chiquito used to go to bed around 8:30 and would sleep until 7-7:30. She was napping at noon or so for about 1.5 hours. Lately, Amor Chiquito has been going to sleep at 9:30 and gets up around 6:30 or so. She was waking up twice and lately we have had nights when she has woken up five times. What is worse is the nights, like last night, when it takes hours to get her to go back to sleep. Lastly, Amor Chiquito has been eating poorly, for the most part, the last few days.
Yesterday, Amor Chiquito did not go down for a nap until 3:40. She napped until 6:10, so I knew she would not be going to bed early. Sure enough, Amor Chiquito was up until 10:30.
At 2:00 is when things got interesting. She woke up. I nursed her and put her back in the crib. Less than an hour later, she was awake again. Both Geeky Entrepreneur and I took turns trying to help her go back to sleep. Eventually, I decided I would try co-sleeping. Sadly, it really does not work for us, but last night I was desperate and was willing to try almost anything.
Co-sleeping was not working. We had been awake for hours. She kept wanting to nibble or wanting to hold a nipple. Picture your nipple getting squeezed for a long time. It is not pleasant. If I knew that after 10 minutes of it, we could all go to sleep, it would make it worthwhile, but that was not the case.
So, anyways, I tried the crib again. No success. Lots of that heart-breaking cry, lots of mommy, mommy. When I picked her up, she ran to our bedroom and climbed into our bed. I decided to try co-sleeping again because, what the hell, nothing was working. This was the option where she would be the least miserable. Hours later we were asleep.
Long story short: I got 4.5 hours of sleep. Geeky Entrepreneur probably got 5 or so. Ari got 6.5 hours of sleep. She needs at least 10 hours.
Fast-forward to naptime… Same thing… Amor Chiquito was very tired, but she would not go down in her crib. She wanted to co-sleep, but I just couldn’t do it. My nipples were quite sore after last night. Eventually, I nursed her to sleep on her bedroom floor. Yes, her bedroom floor; that was the best I could do. I am not proud of it, but, she finally napped. I got somewhere.
Of course, I am asking myself the usual questions: what the hell is going on? Is she not feeling well? What is it? What can I do to help her feel better? God knows I’d do anything! Is it the molars? Something else?
I know that this is nothing, really, that many kids and their parents out there have it a lot harder. But, right now, today, after 4.5 hours of sleep and a long, hard day, I am feeling so frustrated, so tired, so useless, so helpless, so anxious… There have been multiple times today when I have wanted to hide somewhere and cry. I know something is up with my kid and I can’t figure it out. I am her mother. It is my job to protect her and to take care of her. And, yet, I can’t even freakin’ get her to sleep! I feel like I am failing somehow.
I am a very private person. I don’t go around telling people about my issues. For example, I really struggle with anxiety and only a handful of people know about it (I think four and one of them is my husband). So why am I writing about this on a public blog? I want other parents to know that they are not alone, that all of us parents often have hard days and that it is ok to get frustrated, to want to cry, to reach out for help. This happens. It happens often, even if we do not talk about it.
In addition to what I wrote above, I wish someone had told me what parenting really is like before I got pregnant. Please do not misinterpret my words; I love my daughter to pieces and I would not change having her in my life at all. What I mean is that people always tell you “Wait… It is hard… Blab la bla…” But they don’t really tell you anything. No one tells you that there are times when you feel helpless because you can’t make your baby feel better. No one tells you that when your baby is a newborn, you need to nurse every 2-3 hours, at least, and that you will be sore as hell for weeks. No one tells you that even at 22 months you will be having rough, sleepless nights.
So, moral of the story: for me, being a mother is wonderful, intense, rewarding, hard, life-changing, overwhelming, humbling, among many other things. If you are thinking you would like to become a parent or are thinking of adding to your family, educate yourself. Don’t just talk to your mother and mother-in-law! Go on parenting message boards, for example.
Yikes, I realize this post is all over the place and for that I apologize. Normally, I would go back and edit, but I am too tired for that today! I need to take a shower and go to bed. Who knows what is in store for tonight. Fortunately, so far so good. She went to sleep at 8:45.
Oh, one more thing, whatever you do, if you want to have kids, make sure a 21-century dad fathers them! I don’t know how our mothers did it! I will admit that if I didn’t have a wonderful man at my side like I do, there would be no doubt: I’d go get my tubes tied! Geeky Entrepreneur is great, though, so I might want to try for #2 someday, despite the fact I’m still not sleeping well!
Done rambling for now. Thanks for hearing, well, reading me out!
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