All about carseats...

Catching up with my blog feed and I just read this:
http://logicalmommy.blogspot.com/2012/02/few-carseat-psa.html

Carseats are very, very important business. A big thank you to Logical Mommy for putting this together. I can tell it took a lot of time and it's not like parents of three young kids have tons of time to just sit back and do whatever! Thanks, mama. Very well done.

Article: How to Take Care of Yourself Emotionally While Raising Your Child

Last one for today!
http://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/Take_care_of_yourself_emotionally/

Article: Self Care: When Your Child Pushes Your Buttons

I know I've said it so many times, but I have to say it again. Laura at ahaparenting.com writes such wonderful, inspirational parenting articles.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=217747&A=SearchResult&SearchID=3448171&ObjectID=217747&ObjectType=55

Article: Myth: Punishments and Rewards Are Effective Ways of Reinforcing Desired Behaviors.

Just something to think about:
http://www.thewellspring.com/flex/discipline/2326/myth-punishments-and-rewards-are-effective-ways-of-reinforcing-desired-behaviors.cfm

Since I'm sharing the idea that rewards don't work in the long-term, I better give you an article that tells you just what the hell to do instead, right?! I will, maybe next year, but I will!!!

Article: 40 Ways to Show Your Child Love

Some great ideas in this article. Check it out!

http://www.themotherhuddle.com/40-ways-to-show-your-child-love/

What do I do/what will I be doing today to show that cute kid our love?
Snuggle when she first wakes up

Make her the chocolate waffles she has been requesting

Hug/kiss her when I pick her up at school

Tell her that, yes, we have a few minutes and so she can play at the playground another five minutes

Play a game on the ride home

Remind myself to spend one-on-one time with her, perhaps doing artwork or making pizza out of playdough

get her involved when I'm preparing dinner.

Snuggle and read stories before bed

What sorts of things do you typically do with your kids? What do you hope to do today to show him/her you love him/her to pieces?

Bed time is the perfect time to reconnect with our cute kiddos!

I really shouldn’t be blogging right now. A big consulting project dropped on my lap a week ago. I have been working every day since then. We are going on vacation in three days. Nothing is ready! The house is a mess. Haven’t done laundry. Packing? I’ll do that on Friday night for a 7:10 a.m. flight on Saturday!

See why I shouldn’t be blogging? But I have to because I just read an awesome article that I felt was very moving and accurate. I felt the need to share it with you. I figure these articles have had a very positive impact on my family. If any of them help great things happen for your family also, then, this is definitely worth my time!

The article proposes that bedtime is moved up a bit so that there is time for the parent and the child to talk about the day. Why? What is the big deal? When we wine down and relax, it is easier to talk about what is in our minds, whether it is positive thoughts, a concern, a fear, frustration, etc.

Go read her article. It is beautifully written.
http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=204848&A=SearchResult&SearchID=2721254&ObjectID=204848&ObjectType=55

Ari and I usually spend the first 15 or 20 minutes of our day in bed together, snuggling and talking. I won’t tell you what she primarily talks about. Ok, I will. What the hell! She is obsessed with boobies! She loves them. She tells me that she loves them. Sometimes, she says she wants to hug them. I guess that is one of those things that kids who do extended breastfeeding do. Whatever.

We spend a bit of time with Daddy in the morning too. Starting the day off like that is priceless. I don’t know if we will be able to keep doing that when school starts, but we will sure try. I am thinking I will move bedtime up a bit so we can get a bit of time to chat with our chatty child at night and a bit of time first thing in the morning too.

Article: What if five minutes of play could change your life?

I know I've said this 30 times, but I have to say it again. This woman's articles are priceless.

Check this out:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=204802&A=SearchResult&SearchID=2719308&ObjectID=204802&ObjectType=55

Article: The Old Parenting Paradigm

Great read on discipline and parenting:
http://www.teach-through-love.com/old-parenting-paradigm.html

"We need to commit to our children and to ourselves. Resolve to enjoy the journey and not focus solely on the demands of the outside world. We must promise to be present for our children and to give them our full attention and not our total frustration."

Easier said than done, I know. But it is doable! We don't need to strive to be perfect. We just need to keep trying and to say "I made a mistake; I am sorry." when we lose our cool.

If your pitcher isn't full, there's no way you can fill your child's cup.

I know I have said it before and I'll say it again. This woman is amazing and very inspiring! Check out this article. It is not about parenting. It is about the importance of self care and how to squeeze it in.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=201607&A=SearchResult&SearchID=2608163&ObjectID=201607&ObjectType=55

Article: Pre-empt Whining

Another awesome article from Dr. Laura Markham at ahaparenting.com:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/preschoolers/Life-Preschooler/pre-empt-whining

12 Ways to Help Your Child Build Self-Confidence

Definitely worth reading!

http://www​.askdrsear​s.com/topi​cs/discipl​ine-behavi​or/12-ways​-help-your​-child-bui​ld-self-co​nfidence

Article: 10 Alternatives to "Consequences" and Punishment

Another wonderful article from AhaParenting.com. I have to say her writing has been validating, wonderful and life changing for me. I almost don't dare say it, but parenting really is a pleasant part of life 95% of the time for me. I am aware that, in part, I am lucky because Ari is very laid back and easy going. That being said, there is wonderful stuff in this article, so please check it out!

10 Alternatives to "Consequences" and Punishment

by Dr. Laura from AhaParenting.com

"Just throw the word "consequence" entirely out of your vocabulary and replace it with the term "problem-solving." -- Becky Eanes

"My 3.5yr old was sitting on the couch after bath wearing her towel and said NO about 5x to get in her pj's. I was busy w/ the baby and I heard my husband say "OK fine - no books then" and this quote popped into my head and I said "Hey! We've got a problem - it's bedtime and you need to be in your PJ's - How do YOU think we should solve it?" And just like that - she got a big grin her face, suggested we all clap our hands and march our feet and we formed a line right into her room - happily! Same thing for teeth brushing and potty later! Each time I said "Hey, great problem solving skills! Thank you!" And her response? "You're welcome mama - no problem!" - Carrie

Most parenting experts suggest that when children "misbehave" the best response is "consequences." Parents are told that letting children experience the consequences of their poor choices will teach them lessons. Makes sense, right?

Well, no.

I love actual consequences as a teacher. We all have to learn that if we don't remember our lunch, we'll go hungry.

But when most parents use consequences for discipline, they aren't the natural result of the child’s actions (“I forgot my lunch today so I was hungry”). Instead, they have become for children the threats they hear through their parents’ clenched teeth: “If I have to stop this car and come back there, there will be CONSEQUENCES!!”

In other words, Consequences mean Punishment. Whether you're threatening the loss of a privilege or a timeout, that is punishment. And punishment has been proven repeatedly to backfire in child-raising. Quite simply, punishment is not effective parenting, and it sabotages your child's development.

Worried about what you'll do without the threat of Consequences to keep your child cooperating? Next time your child refuses your guidance and you find yourself about to blurt out a threat, try one of these responses instead.

1. Let your child solve it. "You haven't brushed your teeth yet and I want to be sure we have time for a story. What can we do?" Like Carrie's child, it's amazing how children step into responsibility when we offer it. They love to help, and to solve puzzles. Sometimes they just need a little respect.

2. Partner for Win/win solutions. If your child doesn't offer a solution that works for you, explain why and help her come up with one. "You think you should just skip brushing teeth tonight? Hmm...that doesn't work for me because your poor teeth would stay germy and they could get little holes in them. What else could we do to get your teeth brushed and time for a story? Want to put your pjs on, and then brush?" Once your child believes that you're serious about win/win solutions, she's much more likely to work with you to find a solution that works for everyone.

3. Invite cooperation with your phrasing. Consider the difference in these approaches:

"Go brush your teeth now." - Since no one likes to be told what to do, a direct order like this often invites resistance, either directly or in the form of stalling.

"Can you go brush your teeth now?" - Many kids will reflect on this and just say No. Don't phrase your request in the form of a yes or no question unless you're willing to accept No for an answer.

"Do you want to brush your teeth now, or after you put your PJs on?" - This strategy works because you’re extending your child the respect of giving him some control, at the same time that you retain the responsibility of making the decisions you need to as his parent. Only offer options you can live with, of course.

"You may brush your teeth now." - Almost sounds like a privilege, doesn't it? This is a command, but a respectful one. Works especially well with kids who are over-stimulated by bedtime and overwhelmed by choices.

4. Ask for a Do-over. "Oops. I told you to brush your teeth and you ignored me and then I started to yell. I'm sorry. Let's try a do-over." This is a great way to interrupt things when you're headed down a bad road. Get down on your child's level and make a warm connection. Look in her eyes. Touch her. "Ok, let's try this again, Sweetie. It's teeth brushing time! How can we work as a team here to get your teeth brushed?"

5. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Think about what usually triggers problems for your child and take pre-emptive action.
Give ample warning before transitions
Always leave extra time to get anything done.
Sidestep power struggles and give her as much control over her life as possible so she doesn't need to rebel.
6. When your child defies you, focus on the relationship, rather than on discipline. A good relationship is your foundation; guidance doesn't work without it because your child stops caring about pleasing you. A child who is rude is either very upset, or expressing her need for a better relationship with you. In either case, "consequences" will make the situation worse. I'm not suggesting you put up with rudeness, just that you see it as a red flag to do some repair work on the relationship.

7. Make sure your expectations are age-appropriate.

A one year old needs a baby-proofed house, not to learn by consequences how to leave the DVD player alone.
A four year old needs your help to get through the bedtime routine, not to lose reading time with you when he gets distracted and dawdles.
A ten year old needs your help to make the homework routine into a habit that works for him, not to lose his TV privileges. (Although letting kids watch TV during the week will almost certainly lower their grades. But that's a lifestyle choice, not a punishment.)
8. Get to the root of the problem. Sometimes when kids defy us, they are asking for help with their emotions. You'll know this is happening when your child seems unhappy and is making you unhappy; when whatever you try just doesn't work. At those times, your child is showing you that he has some big feelings he needs to express, and he needs your help. He may be angry, or afraid, or sad. He may need to rage, or shake, or cry. So if you set a limit and your child defies you, forget about punishment and consequences. This is a red flag that he needs your help. Move in close, restate your limit, and let him have his meltdown. (For more info on how to do help your child with his feelings, click here.) After your child gets a chance to dissovle that hard knot of unhappy emotion, you'll find him completely cooperative.

9. Engage the brain. When humans are upset, our brains don't work as well because "fight or flight" takes over and thinking stops. Start by taking a deep breath and calming your own emotions. Then connect warmly with your child to restore her ability to think. Finally, invite her brain to engage by helping her understand what's happening:


"You are so upset. You were having so much fun playing with Daddy. Then he told you to go brush your teeth. You were mad, right? ...... Then Daddy said No story tonight. Right? .... Now you are sad and mad.... I am right here. I love you. Daddy loves you. Daddy was upset, too, but now he is here to hug you. ... Let's find a way that we can all have a good evening and feel good when we tuck you in to bed. Maybe we all need a Do-Over?"

This builds emotional intelligence in your child--and in your partner. And even if it doesn't get you all on the same page, at least it gets you into the same book!

10. Use natural consequences. I'm not suggesting that you move heaven and earth to protect your child from the natural outcome of his choices. We all need to learn lessons, and if your child can do so without too much damage to his self-image, life is a great teacher. But you'll want to make sure these are actually "natural" consequences that your child doesn't perceive as punishment so they don't trigger all the negative effects of punishment. What's more, you'll want to be sure that your child is convinced that you aren't orchestrating the consequence and are firmly on his side, so you don't undermine your relationship with him. Consider the difference in these approaches:

"Of course I will bring your lunch to the school, Sweetie. I don't want you to be hungry. But try to remember it tomorrow. " - Child may or may not remember his lunch tomorrow. There is no harm in doing this once or even twice, if you can do it easily. We all have forgotten things like lunches, and it is not a sign that your child will be irresponsible for life. But it is a signal that you need to help your child with self-organization strategies so he learns to remember.

"I'm certainly not going to drop everything to bring you your lunch. I hope this will teach you a lesson." - Child will probably learn to remember his lunch. BUT he concludes that parent doesn't care about him, and becomes less cooperative at home.

"Ok, I will bring your lunch but this is absolutely the last time. You would forget your head if it weren't glued on and don't expect me to always drop everything to bail you out." - Child does not learn to remember lunch but does learn that he is a forgetful person who irritates his parent. In the future, he acts in accordance with this expectation.

"I'm so sorry you forgot your lunch, Sweetie, but I just can't bring it to you. I hope you won't starve and I will have a snack waiting when you get home." - Child learns to remember lunch AND feels cared about AND self image stays intact.


Retraining yourself can be tough. But as Becky says, just throw the word "consequences" out of your vocabulary and replace it with "problem-solving." You'll be amazed at the miracles you can make.

Article: Change Your Story, Change Your Life

Change Your Story, Change Your Life

by Dr. Laura from AhaParenting.com

"The way you talk about yourself and your life — your story — has a great deal to do with what shows up in your day-to-day experience. Your thoughts create filters through which you view your life. If you think of yourself as a victim, you filter all that happens to you through that lens ... and you find plenty of evidence to support that viewpoint. That’s why the orientation you adopt is so important: it exerts a powerful influence on your life direction." -- David Emerald

What's your story about your child? He wears you out? She's a drama queen? He'll never amount to anything, just like his father? She's strong-willed and always fighting with you? You have to yell at him just to get his attention? She's irresponsible?

You'll always find plenty of evidence to support your story. And trying to change your child's behavior directly usually reinforces both your the behavior and your story.

But you can create miracles when you change your story. Why? Because you see things differently. Thinking differently means you act differently toward your child.

Your new story is just as true: He's so curious and full of energy. She has big feelings. He has all his dad's good qualities, and better parenting to help them bloom. She's self-confident and sticks up for herself and for what she thinks is right. When I listen more deeply to him, he really pays attention to what I say. When I help her with routine and structure, she masters each new responsibility fairly quickly.

Today, make sure your story about your child has a happy ending. If you can't, now's the time to transform yourself into a fairy godmother.

(Is a happy ending too hard to imagine? Then you have some work to do, don't you? I'm betting you already know what that work is. If it feels too hard, just remember that even Fairy Godmothers and Godfathers get stuck sometimes and need to ask for help.)

Article: How to Be the Leader Your Child Needs

Another wonderful article from ahaparenting.com:

"How do you help parents who struggle to be the leaders their children need them to be? And how do you help their children, who are less considerate/self-regulating and continually test the limits because of it?"

How can we be the leader our child needs, and deserves?

1. Remember that kids do need parents to "lead." They're new on the planet, and little, and we owe them the security of acting as the leaders in our family. Otherwise, kids keep pushing to make sure someone is "in charge" and will keep them safe.

2. Remember that leadership is about role modeling, guiding and protecting, not about dictating or punishing. (See What's Wrong with Strict Parenting?)

3. Remember that leadership includes setting empathic limits, which are essential to our child's emotional well-being. Most parents who have a hard time being leaders with their children don't understand that limits are actually good for our children -- but only if they're set with empathy. This process has nothing to do with punishment, or even discipline, as we think of it. (See What's Wrong with Permissive Parenting?)

4. Remember that children only accept our leadership because of the relationship we have with them. If they resist or defy us, it's a sign that we need to focus on connecting with them.

5. Take the time to process our own emotions about how we have experienced parents being "in charge." For instance, a parent whose own parents were authoritarian may feel strongly that she doesn't want to repeat that experience for her own children. Terrific! But this parent may get confused and think therefore she can't set limits at all. That doesn't help her children And most likely, she will end up yelling when things finally get out of hand. Kids without limits always push us to our limits.

If, instead, this parent can let herself feel all those childhood feelings of how alone she felt, how hurt, how sad .... they will no longer control her. They won't make her cringe when her child has big feelings. They won't burst out unexpectedly, in yelling. They won't keep her from empathizing with her child's point of view.

That frees her to see the value of clear limits to her children when necessary. She will calmly, empathically guide her child ("You are so mad...but I will not let you hurt me...I will keep everyone safe...") role modeling emotional regulation, without guilt and without feeling a need to punish. That's leadership.

Article: The 5 Habits You Need To Stay Connected To Your Child

I recently subscribed to this newsletter. It has quickly become one of my favorite parenting emails! I can't say it enough; it is wonderful. Check out ahaparenting.com. Find her on Facebook.

I find her emails grounding. They are a constant reminder of what really matters when it comes to raising a child. It is so easy to worry about the tens of to-do's I have on any given day, to worry about whether or not Ari's clothes match, did her hair get done, etc., etc. I am learning a lot. I am learning about balance. I am constantly reminded that the sense of connection amongst our family is my #1 priority, that, if the sense of connection is not there, I have nothing. If there is no sense of connection, it feels like everything around me starts to fall apart.

I am finding myself having more conversations with my child, giving her even more hugs, and spending even more time being on my knees so I can talk to her face to face about the things that trouble her, trivial or not. She is becoming more and more interested in snuggling, saying sweet things and letting us know she loves us in different ways. I am so loving it!

Here is the latest article from ahaparenting.com.

***

"We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth." -- Virginia Satir

We all want that closeness with our children that makes our hearts melt. But so much of what we consider normal parenting pushes our children away, and makes them more difficult.

It begins when we follow the well-meaning advice to turn away from our crying baby. This erodes our empathy for our child, because instead of following our instincts – which, naturally, tell us to respond to the needs of our little one – we harden our hearts. After that, it's much tougher to feel empathy for this struggling little person, to see things from his perspective. Our child reacts with neediness and defiance. We're exhausted with the demands of daily life, increasingly exasperated by our child's lack of cooperation. We nag, yell and punish, which just makes our child’s behavior worse. This escalates in the teenage years, when parents and children scream and fight; when children start looking for love in all the wrong places.

Like every parent in the world, we're just trying to raise good kids, and we can't even figure out where we went wrong. Over and over, I hear from parents that they wish they had understood how important it is to connect, not just correct.

Of course, parents are only human. There are days when all we can do is meet our children's most basic needs: Feed them, bathe them, keep an encouraging tone, hug them, and get them to sleep at a reasonable hour so we can do it all over again tomorrow. Given that parenting is the toughest job on earth -- and most of us do it in our spare time, after we work at another job all day -- the only way to keep a strong bond with our children is to build in daily habits of connection. What kinds of habits?

1. 12 hugs a day - Including a reconnecting hug after every separation.

2. Turn off technology when you interact with your child. - Really. Your child will remember for the rest of her life that she was important enough to her parents that they turned off their cell phones to listen to her.

3. Special time - Every day, 15 minutes with each child, separately. Alternate doing what your child wants and doing what you want, and on your days resist the urge to structure the time with activities. Instead, play therapeutic "games" to help your child with whatever issues are worrying him. (For ideas about such games, click here.)

4. Welcome emotion - Sure, it's inconvenient. But your child needs to express his emotions or they'll drive his behavior. So welcome the meltdowns, don't let the anger trigger you, and soothe the tears and fears that always hide behind the anger. Remember that you're the one he trusts enough to cry with, and breathe your way through it. Afterwards, he'll feel so much closer to you, and you'll see the difference in how he cooperates.

5. Empathy - The habit of seeing things from your child's perspective will ensure that you treat her with respect and look for win/win solutions. It will help you see the reasons for behavior that would otherwise drive you crazy. It will help you regulate your own emotions so when your buttons get pushed and you find yourself in "fight or flight," your child doesn't look so much like the enemy.

Maybe most important of all, the habit of empathy is what brings you those moments with your child that make your heart melt. We all need more of those.

May you be blessed with miracles today, large and small.
Blessings,
Dr. Laura

Article: Mistakes Parents Make When Feeding Their Kids

Good read. Great reminders.

http://www.joybauer.com/healthy-living/feeding-kids.aspx?xid=nl_EverydayHealthChildrensHealth_20110501

Article: Don't Say No to Me

Great article on how to say "no" without saying "no" 100 times in one day:
http://hybridrastamama.blogspot.com/2011/04/dont-say-no-to-me.html

This mama began blogging recently. She writes very interesting, thought-provoking posts. Let's not forget that this is where I found the quinoa chocolate cake recipe!

Podcast: The Power of Poop

I don't even know where to start with this one!

There is a lot more to poop than the fact that it is stinky waste! Apparently, poop transfusions can help with some chronic illnesses. Here is the transcript to a podcast on transpoosions!

http://freakonomicsradio.com/the-power-of-poop.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+freakonomicsradio+%28Freakonomics+Radio%29

I have to say that I guess I have some hang ups and some growing up to do. I don't think I'm ready to sign up for this! That being said, I figured some of you might find it interesting, so there you have it! Go read about the power of poop!

Article: "Zee hormones of love are zee hormones of birth."

Interesting and uplifting read about birth. Check it out!

http://chicomidwife.blogspot.com/2011/01/zee-hormones-of-love-are-zee-hormones.html#more

Now, if only more hospitals would get the hint!

Article: Nursing Beyond One Year

This is a La Leche League article, with citations:
http://www.llli.org/NB/NBJulAug90p99.html

To those who can't wait until I wean Ari, I say there, now leave me alone!

She really is weaning herself, by the way. We are down to nursing four times a day and often she is nursing for a minute or so on each side. I am pretty certain that the before bed and morning feedings will be the last ones to go. Not sure which one will go first.